Letter 13.

Monday, November 30, 2015                4:14 p.m.

Provo   Utah

My Dear Noah;

I just had a very disagreeable experience at Smith’s Supermarket on Freedom Blvd here in Provo.

As I was walking out a security guard stopped me and demanded I unpack my backpack. I had a bunch of canned goods in it from the Rec Center Senior Center that they give out to Senior Citizens like me once a week for free. Since I didn’t have a receipt for them the stupid guard called the store manager over to have me arrested for shoplifting. Luckily, the manager realized his store didn’t carry any of the brand names on the cans I had in my backpack, and after I explained where I got them from he let me go. But didn’t even bother to apologize.

Right now I am madder than a wet hen!  Uff-da!

But I guess I’ll just have to laugh it off and go about my daily affairs.  Next time I get a bag of free canned goods I will definitely NOT go into Smith’s with them.

But enough of that foofaraw. I have enclosed a photograph of a gal I was briefly in love with on the Culpepper & Merriweather Circus back in 2008. Her name was Viviana Martinez, and she came from Trinidad.

She did a cradle act with her family.

In the act Viviana got into a large metal cradle, about the size of a car, that was attached to a two-story high swing. The other members of her family would push the swing back and forth until it was nearly ready to turn a complete circle. Vivian would be holding on inside the cradle to some leather straps. At just the right moment she would let go of the straps and the centrifugal force would hurl her out of the cradle and across the tent to the other side, where other members of her family were holding up a large mesh net to catch her in.

It was a pretty spectacular act, and Viviana had to time it just right – otherwise she would go flying past the net into the tent wall and probably break her neck.

She didn’t speak much English, but spoke Creole – a French dialect. So I offered to teach her English for an hour a day. She wanted to know how much I would charge, and I gallantly said “Your beautiful company is all the payment I want!”

So I taught her for several months and we became good friends, and started to go out together to restaurants and movies when we had the time. I was driving a little red sports car, and she was always pestering me to let her drive it, even though she didn’t have a driver’s license. I finally gave in and let her drive when we were out in the country on a deserted road. She would get so excited and happy that after we got back to the circus lot she would give me a great big . . . well, never mind what she would give me. You ain’t old enough yet to be thinking about that kind of stuff!

But then the owner of the show, a guy namedTrey Key, started to get behind on paying my salary. He was supposed to pay me in cash once a week, after the Sunday matinee.  But four weeks went by and he kept saying that business had been bad and he’d pay me the whole sum, plus a bonus, when business picked up in California.

Well, when we got to California he sent me ahead of the show to do some publicity work and find some open lots where we could put up the tents, and while I was a way doing this he took the show into Arizona without telling me, and I was never able to get back to the show and get my money from him.

Instead I just drove back to Minnesota to stay with my mom because she was getting real sick and had asked me to come take care of her.

I wrote to Viviana several times, in care of Culpepper & Merriweather Circus, down in Hugo, Oklahoma – but I never heard back from her. Maybe she never got my letters, or maybe she thought I had grown tired of her and so left the show to be rid of her.

I don’t know.

She’s probably back in Trinidad now. See if your mom and dad will help you find Trinidad on a map. It’s in the Caribbean. 

So that’s my sad, sad love story . . .

This is before I met Joom in Thailand, by the way.

Yer pal,

Six Common Concerns about Emergency Preparedness

 

Emergency food storage is not just for large families. Singles and couples can benefit from having a supply of food stored. Six common concerns are considered and simple solutions are suggested.

Just because there are one or two of you does not mean it’s wise to skip storing food. A variety of events can make it a challenge to get food. In an emergency, your most reliable source for help is you. Why leave your care entirely to others when a time of difficulty arises?

Hikingware.com can help you build an emergency kit that includes both food and hardware you'll need to survive any type of emergency -- whether you live by yourself, with a room mate, or as a large nuclear family. 

Some singles have found a great advantage in having a supply of food on hand. 

Shannon Johnson of Texas, a single young woman who broke her foot, was very grateful for a supply of food, which allowed her to make fewer trips to the store requiring the help of others during her two-month recovery.

In an extended time of bad weather, an apartment of singles appreciated having a supply of food when stores with empty shelves were crowded with stressed people trying to buy supplies.

Even though Emily Jensen of Utah had not been caught in an emergency, she said that she liked the security of knowing she could care for herself should one arise.

One young married couple was counseled by their church leader to buy two cans of food on sale each week when they went grocery shopping. Ron and Lorene Snelling were amused as they followed his advice only to find it not a laughing matter when Ron lost his job six months later and they had no money for food. How thankful they were for the suggestion they had received!

At other times, young couples finishing school have needed extra food to sustain them after graduation when it took months to find a job. Older couples have appreciated the security of having stored food when they are no longer working and expenses become unpredictable.

Questions often arise when storing food for just one or two people. Here are six common concerns and some simple solutions.

What to store?

Buy foods you like on sale. From there, plan what you store around the recipes you would like to eat. If you are on a budget, consider recipes you like to eat using the basics, grains and beans, which are inexpensive, space efficient and nutritious. Canned beans provide very fast meals.

The containers of dried foods seem too large.

Keep in mind that dried foods will last at least a year after opening, which makes using food in No. 10 cans not so daunting. Because the plastic lid on a can is not air tight, in humid climates, contents of an opened can should be transferred to a zip seal bag and returned to the can for protection from moisture and light.

Several companies now sell dried foods in smaller size 2.5 cans, which hold about three cups. Food purchased this way will be a little more expensive but may be more practical.

I don’t like to cook.

Using canned and dried foods makes very fast meals. Vegetables are already peeled and cut up. Most of us use dried onions. Why not include a few other dried vegetables in meal preparation? They are very convenient and flavorful. Many food storage meals can be assembled in just two to three minutes and cook in 15-30 minutes.

Food storage recipes are too large.

Recipes can always be halved; however, a full recipe will provide leftovers, making one less meal to cook. It’s always possible to freeze half a recipe and enjoy it later.

I don’t have space for stored food in my apartment.

Designate some closet or under-the-bed spaces for storing food. If you are committed to storing food, it’s surprising how many places can be found to store it.

What about storing water?

Bottled water is very easy to store and rotate. Fourteen gallons of water, less than five cases of 24 17-ounce bottles, is a two-week supply for one person. Another option is to buy bottled water from companies, like Culligan, which will deliver it.

Everyone, including singles and couples, benefits from storing food. Solutions to concerns singles or couples may have about buying, storing and using food storage do not have to be complicated. Whether you purchase in bulk or a little at a time, you are building a reservoir of security for times of trouble. 

That’s a good feeling everyone should have.

Use More Expressive Words!’ Teachers Bark, Beseech, Implore

When writers go to the thesaurus

to utilize words that will jar us

it causes their prose

to wrinkle the nose

and build paragraphs that will scar us.

The Frozen Ground is Barren

The frozen ground is barren; all upon it cold and sere.

It cannot nourish or supply, or offer any cheer.

But should the Master of the vineyard stir it tenderly,

the sterile soil grows rich again with living filigree.

Make of me thy seedsman, bud and twig help me restore;

whether in my own backyard or on some distant shore!

Bernie Sanders’ Refreshingly Sane Foreign Policy

Bernie Sanders’ economic populism and domestic agenda receive a lot of attention, and they should – he’s a unique and important voice on these fronts. But Bernie’s refreshing sanity on foreign policy gets overlooked far too often. This is especially problematic given the most recent Paris attacks and the renewed emphasis on national security.

 

Sanders gave a major speech last week at Georgetown University, the central theme of which was democratic socialism. Understandably, much of the coverage focused on Sanders’s efforts to situate his brand of socialism in the broader American tradition. However, Sanders also used his speech to talk about our foreign policy dilemma in the Middle East.

His remarks were what we’ve come to expect from Sanders: honest. Because he doesn’t spin the way other politicians do, Sanders brings a kind of clarity to this conversation, a clarity that’s desperately needed in our current climate. Conservatives will likely dismiss Sanders as a dovish liberal who doesn’t understand foreign policy, but that’s because they don’t want to hear what he has to say.

In the speech, Sanders makes clear that he understands both the crisis and the complicated political realities on the ground. “The United States must pursue policies to destroy the brutal and barbaric ISIS regime,” Sanders said, and we must “create conditions that prevent fanatical extremist ideologies from flourishing. But we cannot – and should not – do it alone.” [Emphasis mine].

The part about not doing it alone is critical. To begin with, unlike most candidates, Sanders concedes that we’ve being going it alone for decades now, with disastrous results.

Our response must begin with an understanding of past mistakes and missteps in our previous approaches to foreign policy. It begins with the acknowledgement that unilateral military action should be a last resort…and that ill-conceived military decisions, such as the invasion of Iraq, can wreak far-reaching devastation and destabilize entire regions for decades. It begins with the reflection that the failed policy decisions of the past – rushing to war, regime 

in 1954, Brazilian President Goulart in 1964, Chilean President Allende in 1973. These are the sort of policies that do not work, do not make us safer, and must not be repeated.

It’s astonishing how many candidates on the Right in particular simply refuse to acknowledge that our previous encroachments around the world have done more harm than good (For example, our invasion of Iraq created the vacuum into which ISIS inserted itself).

Reminding Americans of our history is necessary, however. It’s a good way to avoid repeating mistakes. This has to be part of the conversation about ISIS. Everyone agrees that ISIS is a threat, and that something has to be done about it. But this isn’t a problem that America can or should solve on its own.

Sanders explains why:

But let’s be very clear. While the U.S. and other western nations have the strength of our militaries and political systems, the fight against ISIS is a struggle for the soul of Islam, and countering violent extremism and destroying ISIS must be done primarily by Muslim nations – with the strong support of their global partners…What does this mean? Well, it means that, in many cases, we must ask more from those in the region. While Jordan, Turkey, Egypt, and Lebanon have accepted their responsibilities for taking in Syrian refugees, other countries in the region have nothing or very little.

We’ve wasted too much money and spilled too much blood fighting a war on terror that clearly isn’t working. We’re in a war, and we have to fight it, but we can’t win it alone. “Muslims must lead the fight,” Sanders declared, because “it is incumbent on Muslim nations and communities to confront those who seek to hijack their societies and generations with intolerance and violent ideology.”

Countries in the region have arguably a much bigger stake in this fight than we do. As Sanders points out, Saudi Arabia (our chief ally in the region and a prolific fount of extremist ideology), Kuwait, Qatar, UAE and others are “countries of enormous wealth and resources” who “have contributed far too little in the fight against ISIS. That must change.”

For too long these countries have sat idle while America has done the heavy lifting – this isn’t sustainable and it’s not working in any case. And yet Republicans insist that America has to play a larger role, that we have to shoulder more of the burden, and that we have to fight the tactic of terrorism without addressing its ideological fountainhead.

Indeed, the majority of Republicans – not all, to be fair, but most – refuse to see the connection between the Iraq War and the present destabilization of the region, without which ISIS would not exist. Donald Trump and Jeb Bush, for instance, are calling for more troops on the ground without any discernible plan to deal with the more fundamental causes of terrorism. Worse still, they want America to “lead the way” which means allowing the countries closest to and most invested in this fight to allow us to counterproductively wage it on their behalf.

We’ve tried this strategy. It failed. It’s time to let the region police itself. That doesn’t mean America doesn’t have a role to play – surely we do. But unless we accept that this isn’t merely an American fight, we’ll continue to create more problems than we solve.

(a tip of the hat to Sean at Salon.com)

Bernie Sanders Hearkens Back to Old-Time Socialist Presidential Candidate Eugene Debs

A socialist for president? O do not tell me true

that someone with such principles will have our overview!

America must hang apart, each sep'rate person must

be self-reliant -- in our bootstraps we do always trust!

The old folks should forget their pains and get a job right now;

the youngsters don't need college free -- it makes me have a cow!

I only want a president who leaves us well alone.

In other words a rootin' tootin' Calvin Coolidge clone!

Trouble in the Checkout Line: Which Way to Pay?

Do you dip or do you swipe when paying the cashier?

Or do you hand them cold hard cash and watch it disappear?

Don't try to pay by check, my friend; that boat done sailed away.

Your own mother won't accept one now or any day.

Tap your watch or tap your phone for instant reparation;

never mind the in'trest rate or threat of full inflation.

What is money good for if you do not spend it quick?

Hiding money in the bank will only make you sick!

O bury me with all my plastic when my credit score

has hit the bottom and I'm banned from Walmart evermore . . . 

I read the Wall Street Journal

I read the Wall Street Journal; I find it clear as mud.

When understanding's imminent, it's nipped right in the bud.

All those facts and figures, those graphs and pie charts, too . . .

they'd make a Rockefeller wince and turn poor Einstein blue.

There ain't no crossword puzzles; no comic strips to read.

There's just dry exposition; it makes my eyeballs bleed.

I wish I had a dollar for all the yawns and groans

this newspaper has garnered -- a scion of Dow Jones . . .

The Lawyer is Our Friend

The lawyer is our friend indeed, whenever we're in trouble.

He shoulders burdens vast for us, and so his fees might double.

Forsake the jokes, ye citizens, and treat each lawyer well.

He stands up to monopolies and any big cartel.

And if he should demand a cut that just might choke a goat,

consider how expensive it must be on his houseboat.

So give three cheers for lawyers; they are liberty's backbone!

(Of course, if you should need one you will have to get a loan . . . )

Black Friday Shopping—With Thinner Crowds

Where are all the people this Black Friday, are they dead?

The aisles at all the big box stores have barely seen a tread.

The clerks outnumber customers; the parking lot is bare.

I'm missing all the manic shoppers with their zombie stare.

Is ev'rybody online, has the internet at last

broken the tradition of sore feet we have amassed?

Black Friday will no longer haunt conspicuous consumers.

(Most likely cuz Millennials spend more than Baby Boomers.)

Clowning Around Burns Calories!

Scientists say that if you clown around for 15 minutes a day you'll burn the equivalent of 300 calories in a week.

Maybe that's why circus clowns are so skinny!

Or, as Dietician Juliette Kellow says, "New research published in the International Journal of Obesity has discovered that laughter really is the best medicine for a weight problem."

And the London Telegraph newspaper has this encouraging headline:

Laughing intensely for an hour can burn as many calories as lifting weight for 30 minutes, scientists have found.

And that's not all. In Israel a recent study found that clowning helped with the birthing process: "A recent study has found a link between clowns and IVF success, or a successful in-vitro fertilization. The study found that women undergoing IVF treatment were more likely to become pregnant if visited by a “medical clown” because the clowns reduce stress."

The World Clown Association says:  "Clowns enjoy sharing this experiential art for varied reasons.  Some clown because of their love of laughter.  Some clown because of the new relationships they forge.  Some enjoy entering this “different world” than their normal everyday life—it becomes stress-relief for themselves personally.  Some have found clowning to be a great communication method that holds the attention of an audience as they share an important message." 

Would you enjoy becoming a clown, as a hobby or even as a new profession? (Or just to shed a few pounds or relieve some stress!)

There are numerous amateur clown clubs around the United States, and around the world, that would welcome you into their silly society. If you would like to find a local clown club in your area, check out the Clowns International website  for contact information in your neighborhood.

And if you're really serious about being funny, you can audition to become a professionally paid clown with The Greatest Show on Earth -- Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus! Their 2016 audition schedule will be out in the next few weeks.

If you want to hone your clown skills, there are several national workshops that provide professional training in the noble art of clowning.

For instance, in Minnesota there is the internationally-famed Mooseburger Clown Camp, held every summer for two weeks.

In Utah Valley baggy pants wannabes are now able to attend workshops given by master clown Timothy Torkildson.

And in New York City, the New York Goofs Clown School opens its doors every May and then again in late summer for slapstick seasoning.

The Chinese have a saying . . . "He who brings laughter brings love."

And comedian Jerry Seinfeld reminds all of us: "Comedy is recession-proof." 

So if you find yourself with the urge to don a red rubber nose . . . don't fight it! It can be healthy, stress-relieving, and maybe even make you some money.

What's not to like?

Black Friday

For Satan it's Black Friday ev'ry day of ev'ry year.

His wares are marked as 'Bargains' and are offered with good cheer.

His clerks are busy retailing the latest fad and trend,

as well as antique vices that are darker than pitchblende.

He hides behind the counter, where you never see him smile

as he uses salesmanship to trap you with his guile.

He offers easy credit; a down payment will allow

possession of iniquity to furrow any brow.

He doesn't lack for shoppers, eager to provide him trade --

who by his specious promises are effortlessly swayed.

His policy is "NO REFUNDS" should you be taken in;

you cannot get back what you've lost when buying into sin.

But should you change your mind about your foolish spending spree,

your payments can be discharged by the Man from Galilee.

Pillow Fights at West Point Are Banned After Injuries

At West Point those cadets are brutal, with their pillow fights;

the injuries are mounting when they turn off all the lights.

Two dozen future officers were invalided out;

I guess the feathers were pernicious and perhaps quite stout.

It would appear that many plebes put anvils in their cases,

which may have caused a bruise or two upon their honest faces.

Now in the Navy they do not display such childish rancor;

if they want to play they will start swinging with an anchor.

Letter 11

Wednesday, November 25, 2015                                    2:55 p.m.

Provo  Utah

My Dear Ohen;

Your mother tells me you like the story I’ve been writing for you, so let’s continue~

The Magic Thrift Store.

The first day that Henry and Suzy went into the Magic Thrift Store to work for the strange old woman, they didn’t know what to expect.

And they were certainly surprised when she greeted them with a toothy smile and offered them each a Merganser Candy Bar, manufactured by the Cody Merganser Candy Company, of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. (I get ten dollars every time I mention their company name in one of my letters or blogs . . . )

Their mother had warned them to be cautious, so they politely refused the offer, and immediately the rotten old woman screamed at them to get some brooms and sweep up around the book section and the toy section. Then she hobbled into the back room, where they heard her settle onto her daybed and start to snore like a chainsaw.

Being obedient children, unlike me when I was a kid (according to my mother), Henry and Suzy got out the brooms and began sweeping.

Henry swept up in the book section, where he found a large green book on the floor. He picked it up and was about to place it back on the shelf when he noticed the title:  HOW TO RAISE FLYING HAMSTERS FOR FUN AND PROFIT. By Professor Nitwit von Klaptrap.

Intrigued, Henry sat on the floor and opened the book.

Immediately a dozen flying hamsters flew out of the book and circled his head like big furry bees!

Henry tried to catch them, but they were too swift for him. One by one, they flew out the door, which happened to be open a crack.

Henry thought he might cry, but then decided that crying inside a magic thrift store might be dangerous, so instead he said a Bad Word, very loudly.

The Bad Word was:  Sugarbuns!

And wouldn’t you know it, the minute he said it he turned into a flying hamster himself!

He immediately flew over to his sister Suzy, who was diligently sweeping up around all the broken toys. She had not noticed what had happened to Henry, so when this big furry flying thing began dive bombing her she thought it was a June Bug and swatted it with a tattered badminton racquet. With a quavering squeak, Henry went shooting over to the Electronics section – where he landed inside a large lidless slow cooker.

Lucky for him, all slow cookers are very powerful magic spell breakers – and so he immediately turned back into a little boy.

Unluckily, now that he weighed so much again, the shelf that held the slow cooker came crashing down with a din to wake the dead.

It woke up the old woman in the back room, that’s for sure!

“What’s going on out here, you ragamuffins?” she demanded angrily.

“A big hairy bumble bee tried to sting me!” yelled Suzy excitedly, for that is what she truly thought.

“Phooey!” scoffed the old lady. “All the bumble bees have flown South for the winter. You are fibbing to me. Just for that, I am going to punish you severely.”

The nasty old woman stretched forth her hand and waved it around Suzy’s head.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Twas the Day Before Thanksgiving

Twas the day before Thanksgiving, and the airport guards were grim.

They were checking and x-raying passengers from limb to limb.

None escaped their survey as they looked for contraband;

their vigilance insuring safety over sea and land.

The process was so thorough and did cause much long delay,

but it got us safely home . . . and just in time for Christmas Day! 

Average taxes on wireless bills in California reach a record 18%

My wireless is taxed not once, not twice, but sev'ral times --

the city, county, state, and Feds are all behind these crimes.

I don't know where the money goes -- some government black hole?

If they tax much more this way I'll soon be on the dole!

A government needs money like an addict needs a fix,

and they are not above the sneakiest of shady tricks.

So why not tax the air we breathe, or sunlight when it shines?

And if we use too much of it, there's sure to be some fines!

Should Treasury Ditch the Penny? It’s Under Review

Honest Abe is under fire at the U.S. Mint;

his face upon the penny's too expensive to imprint.

There won't be any penny pinchers if there ain't no pennies.

(And I won't have anything to tip with down at Denny's.) 

Penny ante propositions will disappear like smoke.

And a penny for your thoughts is nothing but a joke.

No pennies to be pretty and none saved that can be earned;

this can't leave numismatists completely unconcerned . . .

Perhaps a plastic penny is the way we should proceed.

Or else let's go completely green and make them from duckweed.

Auf Wiedersehen, dear Abraham; of all the change that's loose 

you will not be numbered -- they have gone and cooked your goose! 

A Country with No Taxes and No Bureaucrats

A country that does not exist, except in people's mind,

is the kind of country to which I could be aligned.

No taxes and no bureaucrats; now wouldn't that be ducky.

Just wine-tasting and gourmet meals -- those citizens sure are lucky!

I wish I had a passport to this little Ruritania,

to escape all politics and other foolish mania.

But with my luck if make-believe is where I could retire,

I'd wind up in Fredonia with Groucho as the Squire.

I'd have to deal with Harpo and Trentino's silly plots,

which tie up the economy into confusing knots.

I guess the grass ain't greener across any other border;

with Uncle Sam and Donald Trump I still get nuts to order . . .  

John Deere to Take Measure of Farm Slump. (from the Wall Street Journal)

The global commodity slump

is putting John Deere on its rump.

Combines and tractors

among other factors

are useless as old Donald Trump. 

Editor's Note: This limerick appeared in the comments section of the Wall Street Journal, and you'd think it was thin enough stuff not to elicit any response. But it did. A certain Harry Brown felt impelled to reply thus:  "Scary thing is you are permitted to vote.. Deere produces big HP tractors due to the fact that feeding folks is big business.. Farmers killed cattle and curtailed breeding 3 yrs ago and now beef prices are off the chart.. many are correct that the govt ethanol IV is about to end.. however, if farmers are smart they will curtail ALL food production.. They are flush with cash and can sustain themselves with ease... They need to make the world a little hungry... good for them..."

Donald Trump and the Devil

In the nether regions where the devil holds his sway

an imp reported to him on the World from day to day.

"Your Imperial Infernalness" the imp said with good cheer,

"a champion for all your dreams is likely to appear!"

"We have reports that Donald Trump is eager to destroy

the rights of men to worship or their conscience to employ!"

Mr. Scratch was heartened by these words, and so he bent

his cloven steps up to the World, more mischief to invent.

He came upon the Donald making speeches full of hate,

and sat back so that in this bile he could luxuriate.

"Register the Moslems, make them take out papers that

take away their liberties forever!" Donald spat.

"And keep an eye on Buddhists and the Hindus, gleichzeitig;

if they act suspicious we will throw them in the brig!" 

Satisfied that he had found a protege at last,

the daddy of all lies decided he must act real fast.

"Sign this little contract" he commanded Donald Trump,

"and I will turn each of your foes into a harmless chump!"

"The riches of the World are mine to give to you, my boy;

and you will have the power all the towel-heads to destroy!"

But Donald, who had written on the Art of Dealing Sly,

was not about to be stampeded by this horny guy:

"I also want to have the sole concession down in Hell

bottled water and ice cream to peddle and to sell."

"And the right to build casinos and an office park,

and be your second-in-command down in there in the dark."

The devil was astounded at this resolute demand,

and felt like he had ventured into treacherous quicksand.

Deciding that retreat was much the  better plan instead,

he flew back down to Hell with broken heart and battered head.

And Donald, he continued his malarkey to advance --

conducting his campaign just by the seat of his silk pants.

"Cubans Say ‘Nyet’ to Russian, Hoping to Learn English" http://www.wsj.com/articles/cubans-say-nyet-to-russian-hoping-to-learn-english-1448044268

O Cubans, you're pursuing nothing but a fairy tale
if you think that English will much help to you avail.
If you thought that Russian was a waste of time, here's news --
English is a puzzle, an enigma, and a ruse!
A blend of Norse and Anglo-Saxon, Greek and Latin, too;
it's spelling is archaic and its grammar really fou! 
It borrows words from ev'ry tongue, it doesn't give a hoot
that homonyms are plentiful -- like root and also route!
Should you use the present tense, or should you use the past?
The present perfect isn't now . . . you see why I'm aghast? 
Learn some Esperanto or some Swedish or Malay;
use English, like the rest of us, and you will moan "Oy vay!"

Grandpa Letter 9

Saturday, November 21, 2015                                    12:14 p.m.

Provo Utah 

My Dear Katrina;

Let us continue with the saga of:

Larry the Lazy Leaf.

And then the zombies attacked.

They came in through the windows and down the chimney and busted the door out and even wriggled through the drain pipe.

They ate up poor little Maisy and her mother. One of the zombies then picked up the leaf album and looked directly at Larry.

Larry shook like a cheap metal tea kettle on the boil.

“Hey boss” called the zombie, whose name was Blug-Blug, “do we eat leaves?”

“No we don’t, dimbulb!” answered the boss zombie grumpily, whose name was Grug-Grug.

“Well, can I keep this here thingamabob to look at?” asked Blug-Blug.

Grug-Grug shrugged his shoulders; “Sure, why not?”

The zombies slunk back to their hideout, which was in an old abandoned stationary store. (You may think that all stores are stationary, and you’d be right – but some stores are more stationary than others.)

This was an ideal place to lurk, because whenever they felt a might peckish they just put out a sign that read “Half Off on Toner!”  and unsuspecting office managers would wander in and be gobbled up before you can say “Ole Stuhlsted” (who happens to be one of your Norwegian ancestors, and has nothing to do with this story, but I thought a little family history would be a good thing – we can’t always be frivolous, you know!)

And nobody ever missed the poor office managers, because office managers are never missed by anyone. So I advise you to set your sites much higher than becoming an office manager. You might want to consider becoming a steeplejack or a four-flusher.

Where was I?  Oh yes! Blug-Blug grew rather fond of Larry, and kept his page next to the pile of rose petals he slept on (for zombies are very fussy sleepers), so he could look at it all night long. All zombies suffer from terrible insomnia. You would too if your eyelids had fallen off.

One day the king of the zombies, whose name was Frug-Mug-Nug-Pug-Scrug-Prug-von Struedleberg – but everyone called him ‘Fred’ for short –declared they were going to start eating trees instead of people, because his doctor said he had to cut out all human fat – and what was good for King Fred was good for his people! Besides, trees were much easier to catch because they didn’t run away.

But Blug-Blug was sad when he heard this, because he thought it meant he might eat the tree from which his beloved Larry leaf had come from.

 So Blug-Blug decided to run away from the zombies.

TO BE CONTINUED.