Men are a mystery – not only to women, but to
themselves. We guys often do or say
things that cause us, sometimes long after (and sometimes in court), to ask
ourselves: “Now why did I DO that?” The
number of books, videos, lectures, and seminars on this tantalizing subject are
beyond count. I don’t pretend to be an
expert in the field of Virility Explication, but I notice things. And I’ve noticed exactly 5 things that all
men have in common. So if you plan on
marrying one, hiring one, or living next door to one, you need to heed the
following:
1.
Dirty Socks.
Men do not believe in bacteria or in bad odors. A slice of pizza falls on the ground and they
will simply pick it up, brush it off, and continue eating it. Give them a slice of tropical durian (known
world-wide as “stink fruit”) with limburger cheese slathered on it, and tell
them it’s the latest food craze in Irish pubs, and they’ll snarf it down before
you can say Pepe Le Pew. Men like to
wear their socks to bed, and they don’t like to hear anyone yapping about the
smell. There is no smell; not to them –
just a thick, musty odor that pumps up their testosterone. Men will wear a single pair of socks until
even the germs thriving in them give up and depart in disgust.
2.
Drinking straight from the bottle or carton. What’s the big deal? We’re just trying to save having to wash a
bunch of glasses. Don’t be such a
crybaby!
3.
Remote Controls.
Of any kind. They belong to the
man. Not the boy or the girl or the
women or the grandmother or the kindly old aunt – so keep your ever-lovin’
mitts off that TV flipper! The man opens
and shuts the garage door. The man flies
the remote-control toy hovercraft. If it’s
a flat, black piece of plastic with buttons on it, just leave it alone until a
man can take control. Otherwise you’re
in for one big hissy fit.
4.
Hot Sauce.
Men use it as aftershave, they love it THAT MUCH. Observe a bunch of guys at the local taco
joint any evening after work. When their
order arrives they start pulling out their own bottles of hot sauce, with
monikers like “Devil’s Fart” and “Chunky Chernobyl”. As they ladle it on, the atmosphere around
their table wavers with the miasma of capsicum vapor. Eyes watering, brows melting like wax; they
assure each other what an AWESOME time they are having. If you love your man, there is only one thing
you can do for him in this kind of scenario; keep the Preparation H handy.
5.
Deafness.
Men hear only what they want to hear.
And that isn’t very much. It your
sentences don’t have the words “sex”, “eat”, “drink”, or “football” in them you
will never be heard by a man – not if you set yourself on fire and yell at them
through a bullhorn. Use icing to write
important messages to them on cake. Or
have it etched on their bowling ball.
